Software Jokes

Great Writer There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He successed in realizing his dream. He now works for Microsoft,......... writing error messages.

Top 20 Replies by Programmers when their programs do not work 20. "That's weird..." 19. "It's never done that before." 18. "It worked yesterday." 17. "How is that possible?" 16. "It must be a hardware problem." 15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?" 14. "There is something wrong in your data." 13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!" 12. "You must have the wrong version." 11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence." 10. "I can't test everything!" 9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT." 8. "It works, but I havn't been tested." 7. "Somebody must have changed my code." 6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?" 5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it work? 4. "You can't use that version on your system." 3. "Why do you want to do it that way?" 2. "Where were you when the program blew up?" And the Number One reply : 1. "It works on my machine."

Life v/s Keyboard ! 5 minutes ago you were traveling to office at 80 mph. in your brand new car. Now you are traveling to hospital at double the speed in an ambulance, You wish there was 'undo (ctrl + Z)' in life! You are already late, and your key is missing, You wish there was 'find tool (ctrl + F)' in life! You are a bankrupt, after investing in some weird business, You wish there was 'rebuild all' in life! The train is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near that nice girl at the other end, You wish there was 'zoom & view full screen' in life! After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a mismatch, You wish there was an 'evaluation period' or at least a 'sample download' or a 'demo version'! One day you realize that you are turning bald, You wish there was 'cut and paste (ctrl + X)/(ctrl + C)' in life! The best part of the keyboard is "U" & "I" are together which is not always there in lives :)

TECH CENTER'S AGONY: My condolences to call center guys!! Call center jobs: People wonder why they get paid so much.... for just being on the phone. Take a look: Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer" Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer "No." Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." *** Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?" *** Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." Customer:: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer: "No..." *** Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?" Tech Support:: ?!%#$ *** Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" *** Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?" Customer:: "A white one." *** Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt." Customer:: "How do you spell that?" *** Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?" Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service) Tech Support:: "Well then we can't-" Customer:: "It says 'no dial tone'." Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-" Customer:: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through." Tech Support:: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me." Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later." *** Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?" Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store." *** Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion." *** Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder." *** Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?" *** Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What does it say?" Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk." Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?" Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside." *** Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours." Customer: "Is that Eastern time?" *** Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?" Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support:: "Well then... what's the problem?" Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?" Now you know.... Why they get paid... for just being on phone...

The Consultant A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver,a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,.......... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,......... "You have exactly 1586 sheep". "That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal ?" "OK, why not" answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd. "That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required" answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog".

Project Manager Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project. About midweek, they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says, "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish." The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas. The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch," replied the project manager.

Marry A Software Engineer Or Not Husband - Hai Dear,I Am Logged In. Wife - Would You Like To Have Some Snacks Husband - Hard Disk Full. Wife - Have You Brought The Saree. Husband - Bad Command Or File Name. Wife - But I Told You About It In Morning Husband - Erroneous Syntax, Abort, Retry, Cancel. Wife - Hae Bhagwan ! Forget It Where's Your Salary. Husband - File In Use, Read Only, Try After Some Time. Wife - Atleast Give Me Your Credit Card, I Can Do Some Shopping. Husband - Sharing Violation, Access Denied. Wife - I Made A Mistake In Marrying You. Husband - Data Type Mismatch. Wife - You Are Useless. Husband - By Default. Wife - Who Was There With You In The Car This Morning ? Husband - System Unstable Press Ctrl, Alt,Del To Reboot. Wife - What Is My Value In Your Life? Husband - Unknown Virus Detected. Wife - Do You Love Me Or Your Computer? Husband - Too Many Parameters. Wife - I Will Go To My Dads House. Husband - Program Performed Illegal Operation,It Will Close. Wife - I Will Leave You For Ever. Husband - Close All Programs & Log Out For Another User. Wife - It Is Worthless Talking To You. Husband - Shut Down The Computer. Wife - I Am Going Husband - Its Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.